Evil Love

Here is something I wrote to a friend about a year ago. The hello and goodbye parts of the email are left out. References to "the movie" might be a little confusing. Just ignore that. Plus, there's bound to be some dumb or cliche thinking going on here, and there's most certainly a good bit of cheese, but overall, I think this is one of the more profound/interesting lines of thinking that I've taken up. I'm most intrigued by the thought that follows "If I fall in love more easily with a beautiful woman...". Also interesting to me is the subject of the good/bad of beauty/art. Finally, there's the uncertain n' strange connection between beauty, love, and sex. If anyone could tell me what thought/point struck them as the most important, I'd really appreciate it. Here it is:

--- The movie illustrated how passion driven by physical beauty (and other
>things) can cause people to fall in love, and result in so much pain
>for others.. In this way, the movie touched upon a topic that’s
>been at the forefront of my mind lately. That being the nature of
>beauty, and the role it plays in our life. I have wondered if
>beauty is something exceedingly good which we should commit our
>energy to finding, creating, and owning. Should we embrace beauty
>and seek to integrate it into our lives? Should it be something we
>use to define who we are? Or is it something that, if desired too
>greatly, is more likely to give birth to personal tragedy? Is
>beauty related to racism in its inherent injustice–the unjust,
>unequal treatment of things and people based on physical appearance?
> Does beauty, through its probable marriage to love (the main
>subject of this email), beget evil--real pain and damage that a lack
>of beauty can cause someone? I've struggled with these problems
>since I started doubting so-called truths around the age of 12.
>That’s when I started feeling more aware-more sensitive-to life's
>apparant injustices. One of my earliest axioms was that sex and
>love are two seperate, distinct things which can exist independent
>of one another. I was sick of people using the world "love" in
>place of "sex" or "lust." I knew that a person could fall in love
>without first having sex. And I suspected that one could have sex
>without falling in love. I suppose my assumption was that there was
>something more divine, more special, about love. I thought that if
>sex and love were too intertwined, then the “glory” of love would be
>diminished...after all, it was clear at the time that sex was a
>primitive instinct, and love was a product of our higher
>mind/emotions. It was clear that sex served a purpose, but not one
>so noble as love’s gift of lasting happiness. 17 years later I know
>that my axiom was correct—but at the same time, I am seeing (as in
>the movie) and feeling too great of a connection between love and
>sex to declare that they are meant to be totally independent of each
>other. Yes they can exist exclusively, but is that natural? Or is
>it a modern phenomenon? Is it forced? yarrr! i’m making my own
>head spin here... This topic is hard to grasp....its hard to
>analyze something that doesn’t seem to have a logical foundation.
>So, ok, to get closer to the real issue that compelled me to write:
>Is physical beauty (including art) allied with sex (instinctual) or
>is it allied with love (more “divine”)? It seems like I’m asking
>whether or not beauty is bad or good–like its that simple... But I
>don’t believe sex is bad, not at all. Its wonderful. Its
>undoubtedly good. Conversely, love does not always result in good
>being done....often times it binds people in unhealthy
>relationships. Whether it is love or sex that possess the greatest
>potential for causing serious emotional pain–the worst long term
>consequences–is debatable. Ok, maybe this can get me even closer to
>the point: What of a reclusive artist? Is dedicating a lifetime to
>seeking and creating beauty a shallow endeavor? What of a
>accountant or lawyer? Is a life dedicated to logic and ignorant of
>beauty noble in any way? No, no, this isn’t the point....there’s a
>point to be made here, but it is not the point I’m looking for. How
>about this question: When I look at a beautiful woman, and I
>feel...love (not lust), isn’t there something very wrong with that?
>If I fall in love more easily with a beautiful woman, doesn’t that
>say something about love—doesn’t it diminish love to something that
>is slave to beauty, and doesn’t beauty have a dark side (like
>racism, like evil [cause of extreme harm]) like I’ve discussed?
>Wouldn’t that make love have the same dark side? hmmm.... Maybe
>I’m trying to isolate a great “evil” that exists both in my heart
>and in the world’s....and that is a lack of love received. This
>shouldn’t sound overly personal. What single person doesn’t
>understand what this “evil” is? ....anyway, how can the lack of
>something be reason to blame the existence of something? How can I
>demonize beauty or love in anyway simply because people need it so
>much, and so often don’t receive enough of it? How can I demonize
>something that cannot be controlled–that naturally turns on and off
>like love? If a husband cheats on his wife because he is drawn to
>the beauty of another woman, and falls in love with her in part
>because of that attraction, how can beauty and love be blamed? How
>can he be blamed? (questions, questions, questions) So, at this
>point, I'm reminded of the popular sentiment that people cannot be
>entirely innocent...we all have free wills, right? (another topic
>of discussion) A man can choose not to sleep with another woman. A
>“good” man will adopt principles and guidelines which he will follow
>in order to preserve something he has previously determined to be of
>the highest value–his love and commitment to one woman, his wife.
>Right? Perhaps a good man can train himself to not see the beauty
>in other women....or perhaps he sees the beauty, but he is good
>because he has trained himself to not feel love or lust for other
>women. Right? It seems clear that many types of self control are
>absolutely necessary to succeed in this life... But to what extent
>should we restrain–or train–ourselves? This is where religion comes
>in for so many. It is too complicated for people to draw those
>lines themselves. But now we have arrived at some sort of Lockian
>construct.... “as long as no one else gets hurt (including
>yourself), then go ahead and embrace all the beauty, love, and sex
>you can bear-commit your life to it all” But the pain that waits
>patiently for love to fail is so great that it could kill a
>person.... Is this not an unavoidable risk? hmmm....there are
>too many issues involved here. Could it be so simple as doing what
>makes you feel the most alive as long as no one else is hurt? No,
>because often people will get hurt no matter what you do. Sometimes
>in order to save yourself from hurt you must hurt others. So, the
>goal is to minimize the suffering of others, BUT how much should we
>care? How much joy are we willing to sacrifice for others? I guess
>we should learn to find joy in things that will not lead to pain for
>others. We should learn to love in a way that will not make our
>passion slave to beauty...that will not lead us astray. BUT,
>doesn’t that make us less than human? If we do somehow love all
>people unconditionally, or if we somehow see only “inner-beauty”,
>are we sacrificing a part of ourselves which could be the source of
>the most intense, alive feelings? Isn’t passion amazing? How can
>we choose to diminish it in our hearts? Would that not be a crime?
>Our lives are short, and the lifetimes of our deepest passions are
>even shorter. Isn’t that fact enough to be some cause for
>concern–some urgency? ((maybe I’ll try to start writing in
>declaratory sentences, ok?...damn!))
>
>There are many reasons why relationships fail, but is it not true
>that one person's desire for beauty so often leads to the
>destruction of a truly beautiful love? (As in the movie) I see
>problems here....love is not so simple. If someone were really in
>love, if they were mature, they wouldn’t be drawn away from the one
>they loved by the lines, curves, and colors of another person.
>right? Some would say that for a person to fall in love, they would
>have had to already fallen out of love with someone else. Because,
>really, romantic love arises out of a need for intimacy--a
>connection--in order to fill some emptiness, and that connection
>requires so much more than perfect lines, curves, colors, and
>composition. So am I wrong to blame beauty, in part, for an event
>like divorce? And am I wrong to be somewhat wary of giving myself
>over to the power of beauty in art? How can I sanctify art, excuse
>art, when it draws me in in a way not unlike a beautiful woman
>would? And should I be concerned about figuring out which passions
>are "evil" or "wrong" and which ones are "good", "right," or even
>"pure" ?