Fucked Up, unedited

I'm not the most sincere person in the world, atleast not outwardly so. I like to joke. I'm a big fan of sarcasm. Nothing special, but it keeps me light hearted much of the time. Which, as Fern would put it, works for me. Still, despite my own preference, I usually feel quite serious/sincere. You know, deep down and stuff. That's ok, because I think it grants me a sense of urgency that without I don't think I'd be as concerned about making the most of every day. Also, I might not perform as well on the job. Plus, I think that a person who is never serious/sincere might have a hard time living a principled life or feeling a genuine appreciation for others.

What I want to express is that I am not only serious emotionally much of the time, but I'm also sensitive. This may be news worthy because throughout my life I've heard people make comments regarding the fact that I appear to be very mellow, er cool, er content, er whatever. A coworker who is a Jackass remarked that I appear to be smug, as if I think I'm the best bicycle sales person who ever lived. Interestingly, I think that what Jackass has observed is an employee, me, working like he's being paid to work, which, last I checked, I am.

Here's news. I was an extremely emotional kid. I cried my head off when mom was gone for hours or days. I cried and clung to her leg when she tried to drop me off at kindergarten. I cried when I got frustrated with something I couldn't do. I hated to lose games, and when I did, I didn't want to play them any more. I cried when my older sisters and brothers teased or harrassed me as sisters and brothers are known for doing.

Something interesting happened to me as I grew up. I witnessed good people become totally consumed and controlled by their emotions. My mother and father engaged in fearsome booming arguments when I was around the ages of 3 and 5. I was also there for the divorce of my mom's second husband, which didn't involve as much noise but a similar hatred which permeated the air leading up to the first divorce. I went to church throughout my childhood and watched as belief repeatedly spawned from emotional response instead of reason and due consideration. The interesting thing that happened to me was that I came to despise emotion, primarily when it alone was the catalyst for action. I aspired to be a logical, reasonable person. I wanted to be spoc-like. Several years later I can say pretty confidently that I'm a very reasonable person. But can I say that I'm as emotionally open as I once was? Can I say that my logical side hasn't come at the expense of greater emotional versatility and readiness(?). No.

I have a hypothesis or two for why I have been so shy much of my life. First, if you are an emotional child and you are often nervous or sad, you are more afraid to open your mouth around others in the fear that your emotions will get the best of you. So, you try to contain them. And you avoid social interaction. Second, I think that its possible that my experiences as a young child could have been traumatic enough to induce some sort of emotional shock, which shut me up. Mom told me that I simply stopped talking for quite awhile when I was 3, and this was the time when she and dad were having some pretty intense arguments. And third, since I developed such a bad opinion of emotion in general, I had little to say. Most of what is said is an expression of some sort anyway. I didn't feel the need to say anything since it was as if I had willingly made myself emotionally numb (however, I have a hard time believing that I could do that).

So, the shyness I've had has been a hinderance for me, for expressing myself more sincerely. Which, is not really a big deal or anything. I believe that times which require absolute sincerity and an expression of our most heart-felt emotions are actually few. Those expressions should be special and not made common. For example, ((this has nothing to do with my personal life, so don't try to read anything into it)) I don't know if I'm a big fan of saying "I love you" seventyteen times a day to anyone and everyone. I'm not a big fan of pecking your partner on the lips in place of "hello" and "have a nice day." Kisses should always be passionate. Plus, I don't think things should be made into a big deal unless they are truly a big deal. I experienced a tad more unjustified big deal making than I would have preferred when I visited the entire family a week ago.

I guess what I'm saying is that maybe I succeeded in training myself to feel emotional primarily when things occur that are extraordinarily touching or important. Of course that's most likely crapola, because almost every day or every other day I'm reminded that I am still the same person I was when I was a kid. An emotional mess. I can only hope to make good use of that mess someday.