If only I had another 5 hours in the day and another 5 hours worth of energy. I'd push back my chair and attack this mess of an apartment with a ninja-like flurry of strikes, throws, and sprints. I'd run around collecting dishes, tossing junk mail in the trash, lofting dirty clothes into the dirty clothes basket, vacumming the floor, wiping down the kitchen counter, putting up CDs, and placing bikes in their proper spots. With my apartment decluttered and deep-cleaned, I could truly relax.

A comfortably lit, clean, cozy home filled with music-a swaying melody, random kicks of bass, and reaching vocals-inspires creativity and action. I'd love to have that right now. The music is playing and I'm feeling a little ball of joy in the middle of my chest. I think I'm feeling inspired. Ryan Adams is singing through the stereo. But while my apartment is a mess, I'm not going to stretch out on the floor and write lyrics, or pull up a chair next to my keyboard and compose a melody. Its just the way it goes.

Two years ago, I sat at this desk and began typing, "Hi, my name is Josh Travis..." as though I were a recovering alcoholic. A new emotional low had struck and I felt as though my mind and life had been derrailled. The events that led up to that moment, when I attempted to regain my sense of self through an objective examination of who I was, wouldn't make for an interesting story. I also doubt that what I went through was very unique. What was unique, I think, was how I dealt with the emotional pain and desperation of the time. I'm glad to say that through patience, self-examination, and most importantly, through serious thought, I've learned so much that I doubt I'll ever have to feel so low again. If that's a little vague, don't worry, its just the nature of segways. Anyway, as a result of those difficult times I arrived at a few conclusions about the ways in which I'll live my life that I've been trying every since to put into practice. Here, let me share a few with you...

On happiness:
First, Since I was a young lad, I've had a hard time coming to terms with the nature of love, lust, and beauty. For example, when I was still a member of the LDS church, I couldn't understand why sex was wrong. As I grew older and began thinking more for myself, I declared that sex was not wrong as long as you loved your partner. By the time I entered my late teens and stopped going to church, I had determined that there was nothing wrong with sex at all; unless, of course, someone ended up hurt. Still, until just a couple of years ago, I couldn't get over the fact that physical beauty sharpened or caused feelings of love. It seemed wrong to feel something so strong and seemingly important based, at least initially, on something as shallow as physical beauty. Well, I think that I've come to terms with this inherent "immorality" of human nature. I've accepted that beauty AND lust AND sex DO affect our deeper feelings towards others. Love, respect, attachment, fondness, friendship, happiness--all that--is still more important that momentary sexual pleasure, but I'm no longer disturbed by the fact that there is such an interdependence/interplay between love, lust, and beauty. I've embraced the marriage of these phenomena; which, in many instances, can exist exclusively from one another. But, the ideal, and I think the natural mode of existence, is for both sentimental and sexual feelings, as well as attraction to beauty, to be embraced all together. The way this conclusion has affected my life is that I take being sexual quite seriously. Most importantly, I strive to feel sexy and I want my partner to feel sexy as well. Feeling sexy means feeling physically and mentally healthy and vibrant. But it also means being keenly aware of your ability to give and recieve pleasure. There's an excitement in that which heightens the experience of living even when you're not in the bedroom. To know that you are desirable, and to desire, is an aspect of living that I will always work to keep. I'm an idealist. I believe that there is no limit to progress, and this applys to sex; which, for me, is another reason to be excited.

My conclusion about the interplay/interconnectedness/interdependence of love, lust, and beauty led me to focus on the importance of a sexual self-perception and feeling, and not so much on the importance of love and beauty because I've always thought highly of love. I've held love higher and apart from sex and beauty. I still find it more important, but I've granted sex and beauty much greater significance, despite the primitive drives of sex and the shallow, unjust pull of beauty. Physical attraction is something we can't turn on and off like a switch. It happens more or less involuntarily. So, in recent years, I've only become more committed to taking care of myself and looking good. I really don't think that its silly or shallow. Its healthy. And it can be a fun hobby, being into fashion and design, and looking forward to becoming more and more fit, more and more stylin'--without sacrificing personality.

Another conlcusion that's changed how I live my life has to do with reconciling passions and priorities in life. This is going to sound cheesy, but I determined a little over a year ago, after some careful thought, that no hobby or work or interest or any other passion should come close to "outshining" your significant other. In other words, your most loved hobby should be your relationship/affair. Instead of spending 4 hours a day building a model train landscape, you should spend that time doing things that in some way contributes to the passion of your relationship. Instead of dedicating oneself to becoming the best lawyer in the state, what if you put that sort of energy into living life passionately--fun, excitement, experience. (have I said "passion" enough already?) You get the point.

Ok, next conclusion. This may sound a bit like the last. It follows from... I'm a devout agnostic. I tend to think that believing in before and after-life or a god is one of the most retarded things you can do. (sorry) Of course, as an agnostic, I've got to include the disclaimer that I remain open to the possibility that an after-life or god exists. Still, there's a possibility that I could win the lottery tomorrow, but that doesn't mean I'm going to quit my job today. Anyway, these are not original or uncommon thoughts. I'd dare say that agnostisism is the fastest growing "religion" in the world. It just doesn't get the recognition or respect it deserves. My non-religion, like most religions, are based on simple axioms from which implications can be derived. Essentially, my beliefs lead me to view life in sober, honest terms. We are young and healthy for only so long. Life is short (or atleast we'll say so right before we die). Death is just around the corner. It could be tomorrow. THEREFORE, (I now present the worlds biggest cliche) we must live for today. We must seize the day. I've gone on and on about this before. Still, for some reason I feel compelled to bring it I think that its an idea that could be taken more seriously, especially among the religious/traditional set out there. I'll remain committed to the motto "carpe diem" for as long as I live, no matter how cheesy I seem whenever the words issue from my mouth. So help me, um... god?