Well wasn't it nice to have the old Josh pop in for a visit? It had been a while since I last attempted to bring anything of substance to the table. Its fun to do every now and then. And its totally worth risking making a fool of myself if in the end I either sit back satisfied by the accuracy and skill of my articulation or later I'm able to see some glowing fault in my thinking. Usually, if the latter happens, greater understanding of the subject-usually myself-occurs. And that's always nice.

For example, I sometimes doubt whether I'm justified in idealizing sexuality. When imagining a life that is sexually fueled-where sex, passion, love, and attatchment are all very much interconnected-I sometimes experience a passing feeling that such a life doesn't completely capture what it means to be human. Tentatively speaking, perhaps I'm completely missing out on those feelings associated with family; with being a father, with loving a son or daughter (hey that rhymed), with receiving love and admiration from from my own children. I say this with almost no impetus. I really don't feel a desire to have children at all. If I try, I can imagine having a great time with kids. I think I would be a good father. But the point is I don't care to be, at least that's how I feel right now. And its this lack of interest in something that obviously is a huge deal for everyone else in the world that makes me wonder if I'm a missing out on something emotionally. I don't mean the feelings one has towards their children. I mean some feeling I should have now towards people in general.

I'm totally content with the way I am. By that I mean being obsessed with primarily two people: Jennifer and myself. I'm very much cool with it. When I was wee there must have been just enough social turmoil to lessen my comfort and enjoyment of most things of a social nature. That said, I've had some of the absolutely greatest times of my life doing things with friends. Obviously I don't choose to spend time alone or with Jennifer because I can't go out and have a good time with others. Its a preference thing. By myself I experience peace, comfort, and passion (with music and art) that I can't experience in social situations. With Jennifer, the intimacy of verbal and non-verbal exchanges far exceeds anything I experience alone or with casual friends. Intimacy is something my "soul" has always cried out for (sounds like "arrrrggh" in case you were wondering). Besides the intimacy of our relationship, the joy that Fern radiates by simply being herself is another incentive for spending so much time with her. Ultimately, joy tends to manifest itself as "having fun", and we have plenty of that.

Whether or not a passionate life lacks all of life's emotional rewards is a mystery to me. All I know is that my motivation has been to live a passionate/romantic/fun life. I've yet to feel compelled to dedicate my life to feeding the children. Mother Teresa I am not. Whether I'll someday be a father Josh is a question that can only be answered with time.