Help Me Understand

Instead of acting like I know it all, as is normally the case, I want to submit to you my reader that I am completely clueless when it comes to at least one tiny aspect of our society--that being the fatty stubby skater-kid shoe. Please, for the love of god, someone explain to me why kids (and even many adults) think those shoes are cool. Do you know the shoes I'm talking about? They have super fatty tongues which are normally allowed to pooch out due to the lack of taughtness in the super fatty laces. I cannot comprehend who or what originally made these shoes the cool thang. I can't think of a band, actor, artist, or anybody else that made the look attractive to millions of people around the world. As an "artist", I'm unable to find anything aesthetically appealing about the shoes. I can only conclude that they are the work of the devil.

Hi there! Good to see you. Its been too long, hasn't it? Why, it certainly has...

Hmm, I admit that over the last week or two I've lost some love for writing in the manner to which I'm akin. Question question question-you know-analyze analyze analyze. At times I can remind myself of a 5 year old. "Why is the sky blue?", "Why does the camel have a hump?", "What makes the sun rise?" Lifetimes can be spent asking questions and looking for answers. And how is that so different from living a life of faith-living for something other than this moment and the next? Uh oh, I'm questioning again, grrr...

So, I've got this big furry thing on my face and my girlfriend thinks it makes me look cute, like a teddy bear or sasquatch or something. Others think it makes me look like Abe Lincoln or Brigham Young or a Quaker. I'd rather they say I look like Wolverine or Radman or Coolamajoola. But, oh well.

Facial hair art can be such a challenge. I've done it all; except for the Everyman Goatee, Death Rocker Goatee, the Jam Band Braided or Dreaded Goatee, the Gold Panner Big Beard, and a little thing called The Mustache. Back in the day I even did the thin stuff. You know, like what every frat boy from Beverly Hills to Boston sports these days. The thin sideburns, chops, or chin straps that go so well with button down trainers and a backwards baseball cap. I shaved clean straight lines onto my face long before such lines came to be associated with popular baseball and NASCAR sporting personalities. At the time, I was lucky enough to see that the thin look would soon become horribly uncouth, so I moved on to the next thing. In the ninetees, I exhausted all "next thing" options. A major break through occured for me when I abandoned the soul patch for good. I was ready to step boldly into the 21st century. During my school days, I settled for tasteful unpretentious side burns of various lengths. Finally, for months before the furry thing on my face happened, I had decided that a fully shaven face was the best face to have. (see, head hair is usually finer and straighter than beard hair, and I thought that the transition zone between straight and coarse hair somewhere near the sideburns was a bad bad zone to have..duh!) I was pretty content with the clean shaven look, but I admit, it was rather boring. So, this happened. This thing on my face that makes me look like a Wookie or Mennonite or Goat. I like the look, but I'm getting that ol' restless feeling again. Things are going to have to change. If I'm lucky, I'll change before Dale Earnhardt Junior pops out of the driverside window of his multicolored chevy with the same beard and inspires all of NASCAR America to grow one.

Punching Faith in the Glasses

Here's a couple of quotes from Escape From Freedom, by Erich Fromm. This is the book I'm reading and enjoying currently. I think that these quotes help make clear how we are not as free as we'd like to believe.

..."All this does not mean that advertising and political propaganda overtly stress the individual's insignificance. Quite the contrary; they flatter the individual by making him appear important, and by pretending that they appeal to his critical judgment, to his sense of discrimination. But these pretenses are essentially a method to dull the individuals suspicions and to help him fool himself as to the individual character of his decision."

"With the political victories of the rising middle class, external authority lost prestige and man's own conscience assumed the place which external authority once had held. This change appeared as the victory of freedom. To submit to orders from the outside (at least in spiritual matters) appeared to be unworthy of a free man; but the conquest of his natural inclinations, and the establishment of the domination of one part of the individual, his nature, by another, his reason, will or conscience, seemed to be the very essence of freedom. Analysis shows that conscience rules with a harshness as great as external authorities, and furthermore that frequently the contents of the orders issued by man's conscience are ultimately not governed by demands of the individual self but by social demands which haved assumed the dignity of ethical norms. The rulership of conscience can be even harsher that that of external authorities, since the individual feels its orders to be his own; how can he rebel against himself?" --I'd argue that even our conscience can sometime be thought of as not entirely our own--In order to compensate for this, a wise man distrusts his conscience to a healthy degree and grants his "nature" at least some free reign to influence his actions and thoughts.

Say you are raised by Muslim parents in an Islamic nation. There's a good chance that you will live your life a devout Muslim; perhaps even a fundamentalist Muslim. What would be the state of mind you possess? Taught your entire life that there are certain absolute truths, and that your religion is the sole possessor of those truths, your state of mind may be one of conviction and faith. Relief and pride are the prizes recieved for adopting each and every absolute truth you hold dear. Conscious pride for feeling courageous and convicted. Subconscious relief for not having to seriously consider in depth any other religious/philosophical idea. These are the incentives for embracing faith. You are rewarded with greater pride and greater relief with every incremental increase in your faith. You may become addicted to these positive feelings, and reach a point where you are bound to your beliefs by a mental/emotional bond that cannot be broken. You essentially become a slave, possibly a happy, content slave, but a slave nonetheless. A slave to whom? The direct authority in your life consists of scripture and muslim clerics. You do as they say. The indirect authority which you answer to is your own mind--a stew of swirling thoughts, the words of the clerics, the scriptures, natural emotional impulses/instincts, etc. In this evironment your thoughts constantly butt up against cognitive barriers which consist of the rules, direct commands, and sense of ethical norms put in place throughout your life by your religion and culture. Always a sense of faith and conviction sways your thoughts away from what is considered "dangerous" or "innappropriate". Always you come to an early end to questioning, to consideration, to even listening. Because you are human, you are already a slave to your natural physical and intellectual limits. On top of this, with faith you willingly deny yourself the opportunity to understand your world and yourself to any extent beyond what is allowed, beyond impenetrable walls of your religion/ideology and muddled mind. You stop. You stop living and progressing intellectually and emotionally in this life in large part because you have faith in an afterlife---one that will be infinitely better, if only you have faith and stay in line.
...so i'm rambling. I mean to make more apparent the sort of subtle, invisible evil that faith begets. More later. Goodnight.

Blog Topics of the Future!

Some possible Blog titles of the intellectually stimulating variety:

a) Intellectual Courage and Humility
b) Faking it for the sake of making it
c) The Goody Goody and the Rebel
d) Living vs. Analyzing Living
e) Defining Happiness-What exactly are we living for, and do we really think we can get it?
f) 3 Ways to Think Intelligently: Imagination/Feeling, Reasoning/Logic, and Referencing
g) Individuality and Freedom-The Enlightenment's Lies?
h) Aspects of Personal Peace-Intellectual Confidence, Social Belonging, Social Distinction, & Security.
i) Did Kevin Federline wear socks under his sandals to let everyone know that he has a sense of humor, or is he really that horribly clueless when it comes to fashion? We want to know!

The Crimes of Love

I've coined the phrase, "love on trial" in reference to my recent critical analysis of love. Few phenomena are more complex and mysterious--infused with preconceived notions, governed by norms, romanticized, distilled, nebulus, vague, ?, ?. Few concepts offer such a titilating challenge to those who wish to solve the mystery of how one can rise above life's internal and external constraints to live an extraordinary, happy life (its a mystery because I think so many people don't know how). I subscribe, more or less, to the general world wide liberal view of love; that "love is the answer," or, "love is the only thing that is true." While these cliches border on retarded because they hold so little meaning themselves, I can imagine that they might be followed by an intelligent line of thought which would reveal that true wisdom underlies the sentiment. I could imagine this, but I could only do so after love first answered for its many crimes. These crimes are faults and logical fallacies surrounding the real world manifestations of love, and the dynamic psychological quirks of the same. In this blog I want to list these crimes so that each one can later be analyzed, discussed, and resolved to my satisfaction. A complex and mysterious phenomenon like love must be dissected very carefully and methodically so that we don't eventually getting stuck in the muck, so to speak. Playing the part of prosecutor, I will not be merciful when making my charges. All possible crimes/faults must be exposed completely so that perhaps someday I'll take up the defense of love and clear it of these charges.

Charges against love:

1) Love is shallow because the process of falling in love is so often completed, retarded, or halted based upon physical attraction alone--based upon the presence of physical beauty.
(Implying that physical beauty reveals absolutely nothing of the true quality of an individual)

2) Love is less than noble because it may be closely related to, or connected with, emotional neediness or dependence. Also, this emotional neediness may be a suppressed feeling from infancy, a neediness for a mother, and an emotional connection/reaction to the comforting security and affection of a mother. (Implying that emotional neediness is not a positive personality trait since the ideal is to be content, happy, by oneself; as well as self reliant)

3) Love is harmful when it binds a person in a abusive relationship. (implying that abusive relationships are bad and stuff)

4) Love is hurtful when those in love ignore or "forsake" others that care about or love them, like friends and family members. Furthermore, a selfish love involving a love of one person only and not others, may not foster caring for the rest of mankind.

5) Love is unreliable since it often does not act as a factor in ones treatment of others (those in love often treat the person they love poorly as well as lovingly).

6) Love is unreliable since someone "in love" does not always feel fondness and attraction for the one they love. Feelings of love fluctuate in strength, ranging from almost non-existent to flowing over with admiration, fondness, attraction, and affection.

7) Love is less than noble because it may be nothing more than a tool of survival, drawing creatures together so that they can procreate, and binding mates (and parents to children) emotionally so that they and their offspring have a greater chance of surviving and begetting new generations of their species.

8) Love is enslaving since those in love may neglect their own personal progress/growth to be with or serve the one they love. Some act like slaves while others loose touch with what makes them happy due to their absolute focus on the happiness of their lover. Still others forever neglect or give up their "dreams" to play the role of companion/friend/lover.


All of these thoughts have developed over the course of years, and have nothing to do with my personal life. I wouldn't discuss anything that had to do with my immediate situation, relationship, or intimate feelings. You can be sure that I'm approaching this subject in a sort of detached and analytical way (as you can probably tell by the mr. roboto writing style). I made a point a while back not to analyze or treat so fatalistically my real life (the one in real space, not cyber space).

Crash!!

Yesterday, I bore witness to a violent accident. I saw many shocking and horrendous things. I was first on the scene and administered aid to a bloody, maimed victim. What's worse, that victim was my girlfriend. Here, let me tell you all about it.

The mountain bike ride that would beget trajedy began with a swift jaunt along the greenbelt due east of town. During this leg of the trip, Fern and I passed more than a few Mormon families and their long parades of tandems, tag-a-longs, trailers, and kiddie bikes. Skillfully, we dodged every oblivious runt on two wheels. When we left the greenbelt, we also managed to avoid running over goatheads in a notoriously goathead-rich zone. By the time we were preparing to ride up the trail, talking next to a gate at the trail entrance, our luck had not yet run out, for Fern managed to stand shoulder to wing with several wasps without pissing off a single one.

Fern took off like a horse from the gate. I found myself huffing and puffing in her tracks. After a couple miles, the trail steepend and the gulch we were riding in became an oven. We soldiered on and finally came to a rest when we ran out of water. Recognizing that water keep our bodies moist, and knowing full well that moisture is the essense of wetness, and that wetness is not only desireable, but necessary for living, we decided to head back down the trail in search of this elusive giver of life, this water. Fern led the way. Immediately I was struck by her speed descending the trail. It wasn't the first time I took notice of Fern's grace in the face of gravity, but this time I felt uneasy. The trail we were on was of the "hardpack" variety. While this type of trail offers little to slow a rolling tire-a positive thing if you want to go fast-,it consists of very little for the knobs of a knobby tire to grab onto-which is not such a good thing if you like to maintain traction. Scatter some loose sand, gravel, or rocks on top of hardpack, and you've got a "sketchy" situation. So, I was worried that Fern, in all her downhill glory, might overcook a corner and go skidding and tumbling off the trail. My concern was ill founded because, as usual, she piloted her bike with perfect arching lines and never once lost traction. Just as I began to relax, I watched as Fern's bike transformed into a bucking bronco with both wheels alternately bolting off the ground. The first kick threw Fern off balance, while the second launched her into the air. Evidently, she knew that her hands were meant to be on her handlebars, because, for a second, she made an effort to keep them there. Alas, her feet and butt had already left their appropriate spots on the bike and seemed intent on carrying the rest of her over the handlebars. Instead of piloting her bike, her arms and hands reached out and grappled at empty space. Meanwhile, I watched from a perfect vantage point, some 30 feet behind, and felt dread for what might have been happening to my dear Fern at that moment as her body flopped to the ground and skidded several feet to a stop. I rushed to her side, still somewhat in shock, knowing that the crash was dramatic enough to have caused any number and type of serious injuries. I found her huddled on her side making no effort to move, having yet to perform a complete systems analysis and damage report on herself. I observed long skid marks in the trail that indicated the path of her body as it slid to its resting point. I noted that the skid marks passed right through and over several fist sized jaggedy rocks. This heightened my immediate concern. The blood trailing along her jaw did not help me feel any better. I was able to deduce that the blood wasn't coming from a gaping head wound, broken collar bone, or any other compound fracture, so I started feeling better. Fern had some cuts and scrapes on her chin. She said that her hip hurt. Upon closer inspection we saw that a large area of her hip was covered in abrasions. She also had several scrapes on her left arm and a couple of scrapes on her legs. It was a sad, sad sight, little Fernifer, torn and bruised lying in the dirt amongst the rocks, bravely holding back tears. As soon as we both realized that no serious damage or disfigurement had befallen her, she resumed being her normal, witty, good-natured self. Despite the wounds and pain, she rode herself back to town. Along the way, we joked about the crash and marvelled over its outcome.

Trash Talking Faith

**warning. the following is a response I made to my cousin's blog about the existence of God; therefore, if you have high blood pressure or heart disease and have difficulty breathing when exposed to others arguing over such topics as God and Politics, please stop reading now.**

--Isn't that like Bush saying that its up to Iraq to prove that it DOESN'T have WMDs? When Iraq couldn't prove that it had nothing, Bush acted on the faith that it did. Look at the harm that has come from it. Look at the injustice that has come from it. I hope no harm or injustice comes to you as a result of faith based on the absence of proof that nothing exists. I have no doubt Vern that you could live the rest of your life having faith in God while really living a fulfilling life. I, on the other hand, would rather live a fulfilling life free of assumptions about anything. I'd argue that this is a more hopeful approach to life.

I don't think that the existence of God could ever be disproved. There will always be "the unknown". The faithful can point to it and say, "See, the only explanation must be god." As if a single word like "God" is ever enough to explain something as vast as that which is not known.

Just because we have a hard time conceptualizing something existing without a creator doesn't mean that it had one. The only conclusion we can come to is that our intelligence is limited. We can see only so much. The question "what caused the big bang" is a presumptious question. It assumes that there was something which caused it, that we just don't know what it is. In the short term, science might explain, in some limited way, what process preceeded the big bang or "caused" it; but in the longer term, we might ask, what was the cause of that?? And then we would ask what caused the thing that caused the thing that caused the big bang?? There is no end to the questions. Even if god existed, wouldn't we ask where he came from? Who made him? We are never satisfied not knowing everything. I think that its the biggest lie science fosters--that we can really know things. Yes we can know facts about things; like where a comet is headed, how bright it is, what it is made of, etc-- but these are souless facts. Since we cannot really experience a comet by entering into it, feeling it, hearing it, seeing all of the properties of its elements, and they ways those elements are dynamic, we cannot really say that we know anything about it.

I took an astronomy class and learned that the most up to date scientific understanding of the big bang is that it was followed by an expanding universe, which might eventually slow down and start contracting. Sooner or later something called a "big crunch" could occur, which would either mean the end of everything; or, as most agree, spark another big bang. The big bang-big crunch cycle would continue forever. No beginning or end could ever be identified... in other words--the universe would be infinite.

We see signs of infinite/the cycle all around us in the shape of a circle. This is the predominate shape of the universe and its myriad galaxies, stars, planets, etc. If anything, this speaks to something other than a single beginning to all things and a single planner of that beginning. This understanding should affect our beliefs and morals more than assumptions like, "if it exists, it must have been made by something." Furthermore, we are a bit cocky for thinking that whatever might have made the universe was in any way like us. We just learn how to flush poo down a drain or gain flight with our man-made contraptions and we proclaim that the entire universe exists because of someone that looks and acts like us.

Your questions:
1) What caused the big bang?
Where did all the matter in the universe come from?
Scientists have pretty detailed answers for these questions--ranging from pretty factual/scientific, to purely theoretical, but look into it and you'll see.
2) How does science explain the spirit/soul/consciousness?
Just because you refuse to believe that a human being could only consist of chemicals and other matter, as well as electrical impulses doesn't mean that there must be a soul. Basically, we're extremely complicated organisms. We shouldn't believe that something exists (soul) just because we can't fully grasp the complexity of what does exist (the human body/mind).

I don't believe in god but I am a moral person. I would not cheat on my spouse because I would love her, and I would also understand that she is just like me, and I would feel bad if she was hurt...her pain would be my pain. The understanding that we are all in this together--you could say that we are all running around blind, making mistakes, feeling pain, finding comfort and pleasure in each other...but we're all pretty clueless relatively speaking--this understanding fosters immense sympathy for fellow human beings...we see ourselves as largely innocent...we find that our greatest hope for being happy is in being courageous, living energetically, and especially helping each other...giving to each other. This is what morality can be based on, this "all in it together" thing. Not some "mind fuck" called faith, in which we metaphorically stare up out of our cages hoping that some day we will be let free. I don't need an imaginary friend or parent (god) to feel secure. I don't need to imagine a heaven or a hell to behave.

You said that belief and faith are not at all bad. I say tell that to the people who drank the poisoned punch. Tell that to those who keep expecting some divine UFO to arrive and take away the chosen ones. Tell that to the Branch Davidians. How about Terrorists? What about the millions of people each day who live in guilt and fear of punishment because they "fornicated"? What about the millions of women throughout history who lived their lives as sex-slaves and slaves to their families because they were fulfilling their roles in accordance with their faith? You may say that these are extreme cases, or that the evil which occured cannot be blamed on faith, but I disagree. Faith--the shutting down of the mind--is to blame for allowing these people and others to throw away their lives.

Vern, I'm ranting and arguing so strongly because my uncles, aunts, mom, sister, cousins, and so many others let this thing called faith control their lives, and I don't believe that that is at all helpful. Anyway, thanks for the good blog. More later, I'm sure. Josh

Today's Highlights

Today's Highlights:
1) Waking up at a reasonable time well rested.
2) Sitting at the Flying M, drinking a Mocha, eating a "Sour Cream Chocolate Cake" (can you guess the secret ingredient?), reading about the history of Christianity, and being in absolutely no hurry to go anywhere or do anything else.
3) Intertwining myself with Fern on the M's comfy leather sectional and engaging in funny + stimulating conversation. This being a pleasant surprise--this bit of free time with her before she had to go to work at her second job.
4) Perching myself on the nose of my bicycle saddle, grasping its makeshift aero bars, and pouring power into the pedals in order to make the timed lights on Idaho St. Feeling good at cruising speed, 26+ mph, riding with the cars just over the speed limit.
5) Buying a new sketch book, a pack of pens, presharpened pencils, and a mini-ruler at Rite-Aid.
6) Settling in at River City Bagel with an iced vanilla late and my art supplies. Drawing.
7) Finishing a real-life, preplanned colored pencil composition and nailing it to my living room wall.
8) Feeling somewhat talented while fooling around on my electric piano.
9) Biting into the best fish sandwich I've ever had (purchased at the Trolly House).
10) The sense of accomplishment felt upon successfully packing for a planned bike ride at Bogus Basin.
11) Singing along with Fern to Ani Difranco's "Living in the Clip" album. Song, "Fuck you...and your untouchable face", etc.
12) Riding down a swoopy piece of singletrack on the backside of Moores Mountain, checking out the spectacular view of the mountains east of the Boise front.
13) The cool, crisp ride back up that piece of singletrack.
14) The long gradual, super scenic climb up to the top of Schafer Butte, above Bogus Basin.
15) Knowing that Fern knew that the climb was a major accomplishment for her.
16) Eating junk food after the bike ride (chocolate Zingers).